It came upon me quickly. Like someone sneaking up from behind, I was startled in surprise. My heart was heavy, my stomach was in knots and tears burned my eyes. Worrisome and hopeless thoughts swirled around in my mind.

Despair.

Depression has long been my tormentor. It is a dark cloud that most often there in the distance, reminding me that it could storm at any time. And then sometimes it grows into a vicious tempest, bringing with it dark thoughts and swirling emotions. Ironically, I had just been to my doctor and remarked on how long it had been since my last episode.

I told myself to stop-to stop thinking about what was bothering me. I tried to focus on getting my kids rounded up for bedtime. But the heaviness of despair followed me around the house. It whispered words untrue and bore down hard on my soul.

And then deep inside arose a desire, a strong thirst to be with God. I felt a desperate longing to just be in His presence and pour my burdens at His feet. I wanted to go into my room, shut the door and pray, but I couldn’t just then. So I prayed quick prayers, “God please help me” and got my boys into bed.

Then I ran straight into my Abba’s arms. I opened my prayer journal to scratch out my despair on paper. I emptied my heart of all that weighed me down and poured out all my worrisome thoughts at His feet. And as I wrote, the pages of my journal became damp with round droplets of tears.

I prayed through the gospel, reminding myself of who God is and who I am because of Christ. I reflected on all He has done for me, presenting my prayer wrapped in a gift of thanksgiving. Pausing between sentences, I waited for His response.

And He gave me what I came to seek, a peace that passes all understanding.

The power of prayer is strong. The more I seek Him, the more I want to seek Him. Being dependent and helpless before the throne is the only place I want to be. No matter how strong the despair or heavy the worries, I know that He is ready and able to take to them. It’s because He carried my greatest burden at the cross that I know He can handle all that weighs on me today. Also because of the cross, there’s nothing that can keep me from coming into His presence.

A note on writing prayers: It wasn’t until after I had children that I began to write my prayers in a journal. Having little ones always underfoot became a constant distraction to my prayers. Writing them down became a way for me to stay focused. Since then, my prayer life has only grown deeper and richer from the habit. Not only that, it has been a means of grace for me with my ongoing battle with the depressive thoughts in my mind. We’ve been talking about writing prayers in my ladies Bible study at my church. If it’s not something you have ever tried, I recommend it. This past week, the ladies and I decorated prayer journals. It was so fun!

Counting grace in community (#2108-2117):

thankful for the power of prayer

that I can seek Him no matter what is going on, He accepts me just as I am

that He took away my despair

that I can lean on Him every day

fun homeschool co-op playing with live lobsters

getting in to see the dr. to find out that my youngest has an ear and sinus infection

getting confirmation from the dr that it was a wise decision to take my son off of the medication that we believe caused him to be moody and nearly depressed

Making prayer journals with the ladies at Bible study this week-so much fun!

taking the boys to their first hockey game

Linking up today with these friends: