Depression |

A Prayer for the Lonely in Heart

Standing at the checkout line, I swiped my credit card and waited for the prompt to sign my name. As the woman in front of me scanned my remaining items, she looked at me and said, “Did you marry the man you loved?”

Her face was flat and her voice held no emotion. She could have just as easily said, “Paper or plastic?”

Confused, I asked her to repeat herself. I thought maybe she thought I was someone else she had spoken to before. She asked the question again.

“Yes.” I answered. “Why do you ask?”

She then went on to describe arranged marriages in her native country. With disappointment in her voice, she talked about her own arranged marriage. She spoke with longing about the way marriages are made in the U.S. I listened to her talk more about the custom and why she didn’t think people in her culture should continue the practice.

“You sound lonely.” I remarked. She nodded and then someone came up behind and began placing their items on the belt. She turned her head, ending our conversation.

I left the store saddened. Not because she was married to someone she didn’t love but because she didn’t know the Bridegroom. She didn’t know the One who could fulfill all her loneliness and love her unconditionally. She didn’t know the One who could complete her and make her whole. Because what she needed more than a happy marriage was a relationship with her Savior, Jesus Christ.

So many people are lonely and seek to fill that loneliness in ways that could never fill their need. They think the cure to their loneliness is found in change or things or shallow relationships. Or maybe they seek to fill that void through shopping, social networking, blogging, keeping busy, hobbies, the gym, clubbing, or online games.

Even those of us who are believers find ourselves at times lonely, longing for a deep connection with someone else. The ache of loneliness is so intense, we are immobilized and remain stuck in our sadness. Perhaps the loneliness blinds us to what we already have in Christ.

Hebrews says “let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (4:16). This prayer is for the lonely at heart to seek God at the throne of grace:

Dear Father in Heaven,

I come before you today with a heart heavy with loneliness. I feel like there’s no one who cares, no one with whom I can share the real me. I even feel alone in a crowd of people, like I’m the only one in the room.

Will I ever feel like I belong somewhere? Will I ever feel connected to others? Will I always feel like an outsider?

Even as I pray these words I know I must confess that I’ve forgotten what I know to be true. I’ve forgotten that I am never alone. Because of Jesus’ sacrificial death for me, I have become your child. You have adopted me into a forever family. I’m no longer an orphan wandering alone in the wilderness. Because of Jesus, I am part of a family that is as large as the number of stars in the sky. And as your child, I can come to you whenever I want. I have unlimited access to my Abba, my Father.

Forgive me also for trying to fill my loneliness with counterfeit gods, false substitutes, and temporary pleasures. Nothing and no person can fill the void in my heart that was made for you alone.

Help me to seek you in my loneliness. Help me to find my comfort, not in things, but in the love Jesus secured for me at the cross. I know that you will never leave me or forsake me. Help me in my unbelief. Help what I know to be true to be what my heart lives out as truth.

I pray for others who are lonely that you would show them their need for Jesus, the only perfect Friend. Help them to know that he will never leave them, reject them, or turn away from them. I pray that you would use me to encourage the lonely with the love you’ve given me.

Help me also to do the things I don’t feel like doing-becoming a part of a community of believers, participating and using my gifts, encouraging others, serving and giving of myself. These are all hard to do when I feel this weight of loneliness. But then I remember Jesus and how everyone left him alone in his final hour. And how you had to turn your back on him when my sin was placed on him. That was true loneliness and because of Jesus, I will never have to feel that separation that he experienced. May his great love for me propel me to love and serve and join, even when I am hurt, alone, and wounded.

Give me gospel joy even in my aloneness. Blanket me with your grace and loving kindness to ward off the chill of rejection and loss of friends and family. Help me to feel your presence and trust that you are always with me. May this season of loneliness draw me ever closer to you.

Because of Jesus I pray, Amen.

To read more of my gospel prayers, click here.

Why It’s Okay to Talk to Yourself

15. July 2013 · 8 comments · Categories: Anxiety, Depression, fear, From the Inside Out

It starts the moment we awake and continues all throughout the day. It happens while we work, eat, drive, and even while we talk to others. At the end of the day, while we lie in bed, it keeps us awake, making us toss and turn well into the night. It is so common place and such a part of us that we often don’t even notice it.

Counselors call it “self-talk.” Others call it our internal dialogue. You might call it talking to yourself. No matter its name, everyone thinks, ponders, and mulls over the events of their day and the circumstances of their life. After an argument with our spouse, we may replay it in our minds and think of all the things we would have said. We’d agree with ourselves that we were right and our spouse was wrong. When our kids do something wrong for the hundredth time that day, we think “What is going on? Why can’t they just do what they are told?” And when someone cuts in front of us in line, we think “What do they think they’re doing? That’s not fair, I was here first.”

Even more than just debating issues or pondering life’s situations, we also say things to ourselves that just are not true. When something bad happens, the first thought in my mind is a sarcastic comment like this, “Of course, that’s just how my life is.” When the day starts off first thing with a challenge I think, “Oh great. This is going to be a horrible day.” I also hear ongoing whispers of “Your just not good enough.” “You don’t matter.” “Just stop trying and give up.”

Our internal dialogue with ourselves is a powerful force in our decision making, our responses to others and to life’s circumstances, as well as determining the direction of our emotions. My own internal discussions often snowball out of control. I tend toward too much introspection and often mull things over to death in my mind. One negative thought triggers another and they turn to each other and say, “Yes, that’s right.” They bring in more friends to join them, and then gaining speed, they produce an avalanche of tumbling thoughts and emotions.

Scripture tells us to “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” (Philippians 4:8) We are also taught to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). Dr. Martin LLoyd-Jones put it like this, “I say that we must talk to ourselves instead of allowing ‘ourselves’ to talk to us! Do you realize what that means? I suggest that the main trouble in this whole matter of spiritual depression in a sense is that, that we allow our self to talk to us instead of talking to our self…Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?” (from his book Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Cure).

Rather than allowing our thoughts to take over and push us over the edge into worry, fear, depression, and hopelessness, Dr. Jones suggested that we stop listening to ourselves and instead talk back to ourselves. The writer of Psalm 42 does this very thing. “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God” (v.5). He talks to himself asking, “Why are you so upset?” Then he tells himself what he needs to do-put his hope in God. When we hear ourselves speaking lies, we must talk back to ourselves by speaking the truth of God’s word.

Dr. Jones goes on to write,

“You have to take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, preach to yourself, question yourself. You must say to your soul: “Why art thou cast down’-what business have you to be disquieted? You must turn on yourself, upbraid yourself, condemn yourself, exhort yourself, and say to yourself: ‘Hope thou in God’-instead of muttering in this depressed, unhappy way. And then you must go on to remind yourself of God, Who God is, and what God is and what God has done, and what God has pledged Himself to do.”

While we may joke about talking to ourselves, it’s actually something we should do. We ought to preach the truth of the gospel to ourselves, reminding ourselves of who we are because of Christ. As a child of our heavenly Father, we are heirs of the Kingdom. We have been cleansed and made new by the sacrificial death of Christ in our place. God looks at us and does not see our sin but Christ’s righteousness instead. We are new creatures; the old is gone, the new has come. God is even now molding us and shaping us into the likeness of his Son. He’s not letting go or giving up on us and there is nothing that can separate us from his love.

How’s that for speaking the truth to our self?

So go on, talk to yourself. Speak the truth. Remind yourself of who you are. And stop listening to the lies.

When Anger Disguises Its Face

24. June 2013 · 8 comments · Categories: Depression, From the Inside Out, God's still working on me

His emotions have been lying on the surface lately. Little things have caused him to unravel into tears and frustration. Just last week, he exploded into tears while on a hike with friends. Sitting in the car to calm down and talk things out, he acted out in anger, making a mess of the car.

As we talked, I reminded him of the recent discussions we’ve had regarding his emotions, of choices and consequences, and of how what’s going on in his heart pours out into his actions. “I want you to think about whether your anger has been your friend or enemy. Is it telling you the truth or a lie? And can you trust it?”

Later that day he drew a story in his sketch book about anger and how its lies can bring about great consequences. We talked about times when anger might be telling the truth and how to know when it is trustworthy and when it isn’t. We also talked about God’s righteous anger.

I’ve recently realized that anger has been an enemy to me as well, full of lies and malice. Folding laundry one afternoon, my throat and head hurt. My husband walked in and asked, “What are you going to do if you get sick? I have to work and can’t get out of it to help you.”

Some sort of flu or cold virus had made its way through our house. Both of my kids were sprawled out in the living room, fevers high, and needing their mommy. My husband brought up a very good question, what would I do?

When circumstances like this occurred in the past, I often became consumed with depressive thoughts, overwhelmed with stress and fatigue at the mere thought of handling things all on my own. Especially while sick.

With my husband’s work schedule keeping him away ninety plus hours a week, getting a break from parenting and getting the rest I need is a rare treat for me. I remember well the months of depression following the births of my two children. Going through each day on my own, exhausted and worn, I longed for someone to come and take over for me. If my husband announced he had to go out of town for work, I would often unravel, certain I wouldn’t make it through until his return.

As I folded the laundry that day, I was struck by the fact that I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed by the thought of being sick with my husband out of town. Reflecting back on the occasions where I would have responded in despair, I thought about why it had been so hard. I thought about my responses and the underlying factors. I realized that there was something that had fueled that despair that was no longer there. I realized that much of my depression and feelings of despair had merely been a mask covering a very ugly face-anger.

I’ve come to see that for years I have harbored anger and resentment about my husband’s work schedule. All those late nights when I was left alone with a screaming baby or sick child, feelings of depression would creep up and I’d settle into my well worn seat of despair to rock the night away. When all the while, anger was the real fuel behind it all.

Anger is a well known source for depression. It often hides from view, burrowing itself in the deep recesses of our hearts. The truth is, many of us are uncomfortable with the strength of anger. It’s ugly and fierce and we don’t know what to do with it so we stuff it down. Because if we faced it head on, we might see that we’re angry with God. We might see that we are angry with situations he’s brought into our lives. We might see we are angry with how he’s not met our dreams, hopes, and expectations.

We know that scripture admonishes us to not sin in our anger. We know we aren’t to let the day end without resolving conflicts with others. And we know that we are to forgive as we’ve been forgiven. So when anger arrives on the scene, we deny what’s going on in our heart and rename it something else. When overwhelming feelings arise, we often look at external circumstances as the cause: exhaustion, change, unexpected situations, losses, etc. We might look at those circumstances and say “I’d feel better if things were different.” Maybe we even try to fix or change our circumstances thinking it will make everything better and our life would return to what it once was.

While it’s not the source of everyone’s depression or periods of despair, for many anger and depression go hand in hand. For me, coming to this realization was alarming but also opened the door to healing. Coming face to face with it helped me see how much control it had over my life.

No matter what we are angry about, whether it is hidden behind a mask or not, the ultimate source of healing and freedom from anger is the gospel. Because we can’t control our feelings, because we can’t love unconditionally, because we seek our own way above anyone else’s, Jesus had to come. God took on flesh and entered the sin of this world to live the life we couldn’t live. At the cross, Jesus faced not only the anger of the soldiers and crowds, but the anger of God the Father, all out of love for you and for me. He took on all our sin, past, present, and future so that we could be free from its bondage. It’s these gospel truths which free us from the anger that threatens to control and rule our hearts. Knowing how much we are loved, that God’s grace is greater than our very worst day, is the key to unlocking the door to the emotions that consume us.

In my own life, my husband’s work schedule has not changed. What’s changed is the healing and empowering work of the gospel in my heart. As both my son and I have learned, anger can often bring about great consequences. But the wonderful truth is, because of Jesus, we can go to the throne of God and receive the help and grace we need. Because of Jesus, we can repent and receive forgiveness for every time we’ve sinned in our anger. For the gospel and the love of Christ is more powerful than our greatest feelings of anger or despair. It has the power to remove its disguise and free us from its lies and control.

As I’ve taught my son, sometimes anger tells us the truth. But many times it doesn’t. Because it often hides its ugliness behind a mask, we need to look beneath the surface of our emotions. We need to peel back our despair and see if anger lies hidden behind it. And then we need to take it to the cross of Christ.

So the question is, does your anger disguise its face?

The Safest Place

20. May 2013 · 1 comment · Categories: Depression, From the Inside Out, Spiritual Growth

“I have an ice-breaker for you. Tell us about your safe place you had as a child.”

We were in our small group, gathered at a friends house and seated around the living room. I sunk back into the deep leather sectional and realized that I couldn’t remember that far back. My first thought was that I don’t have many positive memories from my past. As each person described their safe places, I perused the memory files in my brain. I tried to tiptoe through my memories, hoping I wouldn’t disturb and awaken anything I’d rather not recall. I listened as the others described their neighborhood, their friends houses, and their playgrounds as their safe places. Finally, it was my turn, and instantly I remembered the place I felt safest as a child.

Source

The room was buried deep in the building. Down the stairs, in the basement, it was the last room at the end of the hall. The smell of old magazines and books, musty and perhaps even moldy, permeated the air. It was the room where all the old resources were kept-magazines dating back to the beginning of last century and piles of books that no one cared about.

This was a safe place.

Stacks and stacks of books and plenty of places hide, my local public library was my haven growing up. My mother worked there so I spent countless hours browsing and reading. When I was old enough to volunteer, I helped out the children’s librarian. Conveniently, she was also a children’s book author with whom I enjoyed talking about all her books. When I was even older and could get a job, this library was my first place of employment.

I loved the quiet, and being surrounded by so much that stimulated the mind and the imagination. Everything else in my life was loud, chaotic, and sometimes frightening. This place I knew was quiet and safe.

I came to know exactly where every book was located. Most of them I checked out and read at home, sometimes staying up late into the night. Mysteries, fiction, non-fiction, biographies, literature, poetry-all food for my starving mind and heart. Emily was right when she described a book as a frigate that takes to lands far away. In my reading, I visited places I’ll never see, shared emotions with imaginary people who understood me, and solved all the problems in the world in mere hours of reading.

I loved checking in the books in the office and putting them back on the shelves. I especially loved having to go all the way into that dimly lit room in the basement where people seldom ventured. Putting away or retrieving old resources was an infrequent job but one I treasured. And the quiet, oh the quiet in that place…

Library Stacks

Source

God found me even behind the stacks of shelves. He found me hiding out from the world and wishing I could bring all my things, and create a nest in the back corner, by the window and next to the 200′s. I always looked at each book before shelving it because every one was a potential world to visit. In the 200′s, next to all the different versions of the Bible, I found a number of books that brought the encouragement and hope my adolescent soul needed. It was there that I found and read a book by Billy Graham, then one by Joni Earekson Tada, followed by nearly every book in the Christianity section of the library.

During those years, I gathered quotes and scriptures from those books and began filling a journal. Late, in the quiet of the night, I opened that journal and read and re-read the scrawled words of hope. It was those words, hand-copied from borrowed books, that got me through the deep, dark days of adolescence that I learned much later was clinical depression.

One of my favorite names for God is “Strong Tower,” from Psalm 61 “from the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe” (vs. 2-3). The library was my refuge and safe place as a child. It was a place to hide from the chaos of my life. But my greatest foe is sin and the truths of the gospel are my refuge and strength. All those books I read in the safety of the library told me that Jesus came to rescue me from sin and to restore my relationship with my Father in heaven. On the cross, Jesus took on all of my sin and gave me his righteousness in return. Because of Christ, there is no more fear, no more shame, and no need to hide.

As a child, God provided me a safe place, a refuge from the storms of my life and then he met me there. And it was there that I learned that Christ has brought me to the safest place on earth-the arms of my Father.

Where have you found safety?

Updated and revised from the archives

The Healer of Our Souls: The Character of God

15. May 2013 · 3 comments · Categories: Anxiety, Depression, fear, From the Inside Out, God's still working on me, grief, Spiritual Growth · Tags: The Healer of Our Souls

This is another post in the series titled, The Healer of Our Souls. The posts in this series focus on how the truth of God’s Word brings healing to all wounded parts of our soul.To read more in this series, click here.

My heart is often fickle. I sing praise to God about His wonders and grace when life is going well. I testify to everyone about what He has done and how He has answered my prayers. But then once life makes a turn and I face an obstacle or a trial, I complain, question God, and doubt the very grace I once praised.

What is wrong with me?

When the circumstances in my life change from rosy to fair or even worse, does that mean God has changed? Is He only good if He is giving me good things and whatever I ask for? And what about when the trials linger, does that mean His power has diminished or that He’s lost His love for me?

While my head would say that the answer to all of these questions is a resounding “No” the truth is, my heart often responds with a “Yes.”

Oh, that God would give me grace to make what my head knows to be true to be what my heart lives out as truth!

The truth is, I project my own human limitations and expectations on God. This is why my heart questions His love, power, or grace when life gets hard. But God is not the one who changes, I do. I am the fickle Queen of Broken Promises, with swinging emotions and a distracted heart.

While I may be ever changing, there is one thing that is constant, dependable and sure. There is one thing I can count on when I journey through deep valleys and grope in the darkness of uncertainty. Like keeping my eyes on the level horizon when a storm rages at sea, there is one constant I can look to when the storms of life rage in my soul.

The character of God.

God never changes. He is always faithful and keeps every promise. He never tires, feels helpless, or loses his power. Hebrews 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” And he is always, always good.

Jesus prayed for the disciples, “Sanctify them by the truth, your word is truth” (John 17:17). It is the truth of God’s word which changes us, sanctifies us, transforms us-from the inside out. When it comes to the character of God, the more I study His word to learn about his attributes, the more in awe I will be. The more I dwell on the unshakable truths about God, the more I am utterly moved that he would ever love me. And my own love and trust for him grows as I splash in the joy of being known and loved by our amazing God.

Below are just a few of the attributes or character traits of God found in Scripture. Will you join me in studying and learning more about who God is? As you study these attributes of God, consider using them in your prayers. Thank God for each of his characteristics. Use them in prayers of praise. Confess how you may have failed to trust him for these attributes. Ask him to apply them to your heart so that you might have deeper faith and love for him.

Eternal: Genesis 21:33, Revelation 1:8

Infinite: Psalm 33:11, 90:1-2, 145:13, Hebrews 1:8-12)

Good: Psalm 25:8, 34:8, Titus 3:4

Incomprehensible: Job 5:9, Isaiah 40:28, 55:8, Romans 11:33

Omnipotent: Genesis 18:14, Jeremiah 27:5, Matthew 19:26

Truth: Numbers 23:19, Isaiah 45:19, John 3:33

Faithful: Psalm 33:4, 1 Corinthians 1:9, 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Omniscient: 1 Kings 8:39, Proverbs 3:19-20, 1 Corinthians 2:10

Majestic: Exodus 15:7, Job 37:22, Jude 25

Supreme: Colossians 1:15, Exodus 15:1, Revelation 19:11-16

Gracious: Nehemiah 9:1, Exodus 34:6-7, Isaiah 26:10

Holy: Isaiah 6:3, Psalm 77:13, 1 Peter 1:15-16

Faithful: Genesis 28:15, Titus 1:2, Hebrews 10:23

Creator: Genesis 1:3, Jeremiah 27:5, 2 Corinthians 5:5

Accessible: Deuteronomy 4:7, Matthew 6:6, Ephesians 3:12

Immutable: 1 Samuel 15:29, Psalm 33:11, James 1:17

Just: Deuteronomy 32:4, Job 37:23, Hebrews 12:29, 1 John 1:9

Provider: Psalm 23:1, Matthew 6:33, 1 Corinthians 2:9

Wisdom: Isaiah 28:29, 1 Corinthians 1:30, Colossians 2:2-3

Savior: Psalm 27:1, 68:19, John 3:16-17, 2 Timothy 1:9

Sovereign: Isaiah 46:10, Daniel 4:35, Ephesians 1:11

Love: Psalm 33:5,18, Romans 8:38-39, Ephesians 3:17-19

Kind: 2 Samuel 22:51, Isaiah 54:8, Romans 11:22

Merciful: 2 Samuel 24:14, Jeremiah 29:11, 2 Corinthians 12:9

Perfect: Deuteronomy 32:4, 2 Samuel 22:31, Matthew 5:48

One and Only: Deuteronomy 6:4, 1 Corinthians 8:6, 1 Timothy 2:5

Have you heard this song by Kutless?

New Printable

01. May 2013 · 3 comments · Categories: Depression · Tags: gospel prayer

I recently discovered that the most highly read post over the past year was “A Prayer for the Sad of Heart.” If you haven’t read that post, click here. I decided to have the prayer made into a printable and asked my friend Melanie (who did all my other printables) to help me out again. Isn’t it beautiful?

To get a printable copy of this prayer for yourself, click here.

Sowing Seeds Through Our Stories

03. March 2013 · 7 comments · Categories: Depression, From the Inside Out, Gratitude Community, grief, Spiritual Growth

“Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.” Psalm 126:5-6

Only God knows the number of tears I have cried in my life. My teen years were filled with more tears than smiles. I know I cried a river each time my one of my children were wheeled away into surgery. I’ve cried out in desperation to God over my failures as a mom. And I’ve wept over losses, failed dreams, and unexpected trials.

Source

As one who struggles with depression, tears are my constant companion. I’ve struggled with the weight of them and have begged God to take them away. The book of Psalms has always been a balm to my wounded heart, reflecting my pain and sorrow in its songs of lament. It was in Psalm 126 where God taught me that while the pain that accompanies my sorrow is hard, it is not without purpose.

Psalm 126 refers to a time in Israel’s history when they returned from exile. The pain and sorrow of their captivity finally came to an end. Our own sorrow will not last forever either; there will be an end. Elsewhere in the Psalms, we learn that “weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” Spurgeon said of Psalm 126, “Hence, present distress must not be viewed as if it would last forever; it is not the end, by any means, but only a means to the end. Sorrow is our sowing, rejoicing shall be our reaping. If there were no sowing in tears there would be no reaping in joy.”

We must sow our tears. We can’t let them fall just anywhere, they must fall in a place where they can be planted and nourished. Our tears are not for us alone but are to be used for God’s glory. In planting our tears, we are promised that they will produce a harvest of joy.

Our Savior was familiar with sorrow; Scripture refers to him as “a man of sorrows.” He took on skin and walked among us, experiencing the same pain and suffering we experience. He wasn’t just here as a tourist, to merely observe what it was like to be human in a fallen world. He entered into the grief and pain of humanity and felt the agony of human life. But Jesus knew that “joy comes in the morning” and sowed his tears as he hung on the cross. Scripture tells us in Hebrews 12:2 that he did this “for the joy set before him.” And what was that joy?—our salvation and the restoration of our relationship with God.

How can we sow our tears? First, we must always bring our tears to Jesus. We need to lament in prayer before Him and know that he catches each tear in a bottle. He sees and cares about each and every tear that we cry. Our faith and love for him will strengthen as we trust him to use those captured tears for his glory. In prayer, we’ll plant our tears for the salvation of loved ones, for those hurting, for our own sin and for growth in our faith.

Matthew Henry wrote, “there are tears which are themselves the seed that we must sow, tears of sorrow for sin, our own and others, tears of sympathy with the afflicted church, and the tears of tenderness in prayer and under the word. These are precious seed, such as the husbandman sows when corn is dear and he has but little for his family, and therefore weeps to part with it, yet buries it under ground, in expectation of receiving it again with advantage.”

We also need to consider how we can use our tears to encourage others with the same encouragement Christ has given us. Our tears will reap a harvest for the kingdom when we reach out to others in the name of Jesus. God will not waste our tears. He collects each and every one and uses them in His redemptive plan. We can sow our tears when we tell our stories to one another. When we share our stories of hope in the midst of pain, of healing from wounds, and of resurrected joy, God uses those stories to reap a harvest in someone else’s life.

We may not see the final harvest of our sowing. But we sow because we trust that God will weave our stories of sorrow into the Greater Story of Redemption. What we can’t see now will make sense in eternity. Each of our stories are important to the final tapestry of grace. We have to sow in faith and believe that one day, “He will wipe away every tear from our eyes.”

When life’s circumstances bring sorrow, may we sow our tears in prayer. May we trust that God will not waste our tears but will use each and every one. May we reach out to those God has placed in our life and share our stories with them. And may each tear we sow be used for His glory, bringing in the harvest full of eternal joy.

What is your story? How might God be using your tears in His Greater Story?

Linking up with the Gratitude Community, sharing God’s endless grace in my life: (#2118-2132)

that our tears are never wasted

that God uses each one

that one day we will see the full harvest of joy

that Jesus knows and understands the tears we cry

that Jesus was willing to take on all my sorrows at the cross

that one day, all our tears will be wiped away forever

that my own tears remind me that this world is not my home

my Indelible Grace station on Pandora:)

celebrating the return of Psyche with my besties and all things pineapple

seeing God at work through prayer

the way He works in and through our weakness

going to see Casting Crowns with my husband, just the two of us

my youngest asking me to stay for a sleep over in his room:)

making the Great Wall of China with my son as a homeschool project-so fun!

Seeking Him Through Pain

17. February 2013 · 7 comments · Categories: Anxiety, Depression, From the Inside Out, Gratitude Community, One Word

It came upon me quickly. Like someone sneaking up from behind, I was startled in surprise. My heart was heavy, my stomach was in knots and tears burned my eyes. Worrisome and hopeless thoughts swirled around in my mind.

Despair.

Depression has long been my tormentor. It is a dark cloud that most often there in the distance, reminding me that it could storm at any time. And then sometimes it grows into a vicious tempest, bringing with it dark thoughts and swirling emotions. Ironically, I had just been to my doctor and remarked on how long it had been since my last episode.

I told myself to stop-to stop thinking about what was bothering me. I tried to focus on getting my kids rounded up for bedtime. But the heaviness of despair followed me around the house. It whispered words untrue and bore down hard on my soul.

And then deep inside arose a desire, a strong thirst to be with God. I felt a desperate longing to just be in His presence and pour my burdens at His feet. I wanted to go into my room, shut the door and pray, but I couldn’t just then. So I prayed quick prayers, “God please help me” and got my boys into bed.

Then I ran straight into my Abba’s arms. I opened my prayer journal to scratch out my despair on paper. I emptied my heart of all that weighed me down and poured out all my worrisome thoughts at His feet. And as I wrote, the pages of my journal became damp with round droplets of tears.

I prayed through the gospel, reminding myself of who God is and who I am because of Christ. I reflected on all He has done for me, presenting my prayer wrapped in a gift of thanksgiving. Pausing between sentences, I waited for His response.

And He gave me what I came to seek, a peace that passes all understanding.

The power of prayer is strong. The more I seek Him, the more I want to seek Him. Being dependent and helpless before the throne is the only place I want to be. No matter how strong the despair or heavy the worries, I know that He is ready and able to take to them. It’s because He carried my greatest burden at the cross that I know He can handle all that weighs on me today. Also because of the cross, there’s nothing that can keep me from coming into His presence.

A note on writing prayers: It wasn’t until after I had children that I began to write my prayers in a journal. Having little ones always underfoot became a constant distraction to my prayers. Writing them down became a way for me to stay focused. Since then, my prayer life has only grown deeper and richer from the habit. Not only that, it has been a means of grace for me with my ongoing battle with the depressive thoughts in my mind. We’ve been talking about writing prayers in my ladies Bible study at my church. If it’s not something you have ever tried, I recommend it. This past week, the ladies and I decorated prayer journals. It was so fun!

Counting grace in community (#2108-2117):

thankful for the power of prayer

that I can seek Him no matter what is going on, He accepts me just as I am

that He took away my despair

that I can lean on Him every day

fun homeschool co-op playing with live lobsters

getting in to see the dr. to find out that my youngest has an ear and sinus infection

getting confirmation from the dr that it was a wise decision to take my son off of the medication that we believe caused him to be moody and nearly depressed

Making prayer journals with the ladies at Bible study this week-so much fun!

taking the boys to their first hockey game

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The Weeds of Worry

28. January 2013 · 2 comments · Categories: Anxiety, Depression, fear, From the Inside Out, God's still working on me, Spiritual Growth · Tags: Women of God Magazine

I was sixteen when the first seeds of worry were planted in my heart. My father was out of work that whole year. While the rest of my friends planned parties to celebrate their special year, I hid away in my bedroom, lost in a sea of uncertainty, worry, and fear. Those seeds of worry quickly sprouted and grew like weeds, entangling itself all around my heart. Worry continued to thrive and grow during my college years where I stressed over every test, project, and of course, the wedding plans.

Worry then continued its growth into my early marriage, graduate school years, and into my career. But it was when I became a mother that worry grew into full bloom in my heart…to read the rest of this post about the weeds of worry, visit Women of God Magazine where I am guest posting today.

The Healer of Our Soul: Psalms of Lament

30. October 2012 · 11 comments · Categories: Anxiety, Depression, fear, From the Inside Out, God's still working on me, Spiritual Growth · Tags: The Healer of Our Souls

This post begins a mini series on the power of God’s Word in healing our wounded souls.

When the heart weighs heavy, it begs for relief. The burden of sorrow, grief, and pain is sometimes impossible to bear. Feeling alone and abandoned, the heart sinks into despair.

“I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.” Psalm 6:6

My own heart has been in this place many times. Drowning in despair, I have wondered if it was even okay to feel such heavy feelings. Sometimes, I’ve questioned if God had rejected me because of my dark emotions. And the thought that always lingered, will I ever get out from underneath the weight of sorrow?

Intense emotions can be isolating. We think no one else can understand. Our life seems too messy to share with others. God may seem silent and we wonder if He’s left us. We feel stuck in the bottom of a pit and think we’ll never be able to climb out.

Our thoughts and emotions whisper lies, keeping us in the pit. The truth is we have not been abandoned or left alone. God promises to never leave us or forsakes us. He knew there would be times when we would be overcome by feelings. He provided a place for us to go, process them, and find the freedom to voice those feelings directly to Him: The Psalms.

The book of Psalms expresses all the range of emotions that humans feel. Calvin described the Psalms as “an anatomy of all the parts of the soul.” The book contains Psalms of thanksgiving and praise, where the writer voices his joy in the Lord. There are Psalms that recount God’s provision and salvation from enemies. The Psalms also speaks to all the wounded places of the human heart: grief, sorrow, fear, injustice, and guilt. These Psalms are called laments and it is in these Psalms where we find the form and structure for expressing to God our own feelings.

In the Psalms of lament, we find that we are not alone. These overwhelming feelings have been experienced by others before us. The laments also show us that God wants to hear from us. Many of the Psalms were used by the Jews in their corporate worship, even the Psalms of lament. God desires that we come to Him with all our feelings, no matter how painful and intense. Because it is God who is the healer of our souls.

There are more Psalms of lament than any other kind in the book of Psalms. Many are penned by King David, the man after God’s own heart. All but two of these laments follow this structure: an expression of the author’s feelings, followed by asking for something the author needs, and ending with an affirmation of trust in God.

The laments ask the difficult questions of life such as, “How long?” “Why?” and “When will you answer me?” They also seek specific answers from God including, asking for relief, for healing, for salvation and for rescue. Lastly, they end with an expression of trust in God. They give God praise and thanksgiving for all He has done in the past and all that He will do in the future.

“How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” Psalm 13:2

Psalms 44 and 88 are the only two that do not follow this form; they don’t end in praise and thanksgiving. Perhaps this is because there are times when our emotions are so overwhelming, we need the Holy Spirit to intercede and express to God for us what is on our heart. “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words” (Romans 8:26).

When sorrows overwhelm the heart, we need to go to God with those burdens. We don’t need to clean ourselves up first before coming into God’s presence. Jesus already did that for us. Because of Christ, our messy lives and heavy hearts have been covered by grace. We are free to come into the presence of God, clothed in the righteousness of Christ, and pour out our heart at His feet. Asking for healing and grace, we bring to Him all our burdens.

Using the structure of the laments, we can put our feelings into words. Writing them as a prayer to God can be a part of the healing process. But even when words fail us, which sometimes they do, we can trust that He knows what is on our hearts. In faith, we are expectant that He hears us. In hope, we wait for His response. And in love, we trust that His joy will come in the morning.

“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.” Psalm 13:5-6

Have you ever written a lament to God? How have the Psalms helped you?

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