Book Review: Team Us
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24
When a man and woman marry, they become united as one. No longer living life just for themselves, they now live life looking out for each other’s interests. What was once “I” becomes “we.”
If you’ve been married any length of time, you know how challenging it is to shift from everything being about “me” to “us.” My friend, Ashleigh Slater, in her new book Team Us: Marriage Together
, discusses this challenge.
Team Us: Marriage Together is about being united as a couple and facing the challenges of life together. Using the analogy of a sport’s team, she compares the way a team works together for a common goal to that of a husband and wife working together with the common goal of marriage unity.
A key ingredient to “Team Us” is grace. Having grace for our spouses, choosing to overlook the little things, learning to communicate with love, and extending forgiveness, these are all important in the move from “I” to “we.” She writes, “when I grasp this truth of God’s grace-His kindness and clemency-has been given to me, it should make a big difference in my relationships with others, specifically with {my husband}” (Kindle edition, location 172).
“Team Us” is a very practical book, filled with tips and suggestions on how to live out grace in our marriages. From communication to expectations; from facing disappointments to battling huge trials; Ashleigh provides hands on ways to live united in marriage. For example, when it comes to disagreements:
“For me, it’s taken time and a lot of patience from Ted to realize the benefits of using what I call a “team first” approach. It’s essentially the exact opposite of me-first, but for clarity’s sake, these types of arguments are characterized by:
*an “other-first” mentality
*a desire to understand where the other is coming from
*a peace brought about by shared interests
*less concern for personal reputation
*an extension of grace and understanding
*a relinquishing of the need to be right
*a concentrated effort to speak positively of the other (location 676)
Using stories from her marriage and those of other friend’s marriages, both funny and light-hearted, as well as stories from the harder times, Ashleigh shows what ‘Team Us” looks like. Like all marriages, hers has had its ups and downs. Ashleigh reveals key ingredients in getting through tough times together, including a couple’s faith in God as well as being part of a body of believers.
Chapters cover issues such as remaining united through grief and loss, parenting struggles, friendships with others, and going through unexpected trials. Ashleigh’s husband gives his input and perspective as well with brief quotes inserted throughout the book. At the end of each chapter are discussion questions for couples to work through together.
Team Us will challenge you to take a look at your own marriage and see the areas where you need to extend grace to your spouse. It will give you practical tools to implement so that you too can face the challenges of life united as a team.
For more info. on Team Us, visit the website, Marriage Together.
I asked Ashleigh a few questions about her book. This is what she said:
1. What made you decide to write it and who do you think would most benefit from it? Is it better suited for newlyweds or for any couple, no matter how long they’ve been married?
The truth is, I wasn’t actively pursuing writing a book at this point in my life. But last spring I was approached by Moody Publishers about the possibility of writing one on relationships. After discussing it with Ted, I decided to send them a proposal. I didn’t want to miss out on an opportunity that might be from God. Here I am a year later, still amazed by the entire process.
Team Us is intended for couples in their early years of marriage. 10 years and under. But as I’m receiving feedback, I’m discovering that couples who’ve been married longer are also connecting with it. I had one reader – who’s been married almost 20 years – tell me that she learned things from the chapter on conflict. And another, who’s in her twelfth year of marriage, tell me that she’d never heard of concepts like the “communication sandwich.” After reading about it, she went on to use it two or three times in one week.
2. I love how you incorporated your husband’s thoughts and perspectives on the topics you shared in the book. Was that your idea? Did you have to do any convincing to get his participation?
The “Ted Says” comments were actually Ted’s idea! So no convincing was necessary. The idea came out of a brainstorming session he and I had about three or four chapters into the writing process. For those who haven’t read Team Us, it relies heavily on storytelling. These stories include tales of areas Ted has grown in over the years and continues to grow in today. For example, time management issues. I also share how he forgot my birthday our first year of marriage. I was concerned that husbands might feel like I was picking on Ted by sharing these things. That those who don’t personally know him wouldn’t understand that he actively encourages me to divulge these details; to not be afraid to be transparent about his faults. When I shared this concern with him, his solution was to incorporate his voice into the book. Not only did it solve this issue, but it also added another layer of team to the book. I have had a lot of people comment on how much they love that his voice is heard alongside mine in a book titled, Team Us.
3. You share a few stories related to finding activities or hobbies the two of you could share and enjoy together. Do you have any practical tips, suggestions, or advice on ways to go about finding mutual interests?
I think the first and simplest thing couples can do is to build on the common interests they’re aware of. When Ted and I got married, we didn’t share all of the same interests, but we did have areas that overlapped. I think that’s true for most – if not all – couples. For example, we both loved (and still love) theater and music. So we looked for concerts or plays we could attend. One of our favorite activities since we moved to Atlanta is going to our local Shakespeare Tavern. If couples aren’t sure where to start when it comes to common interests, food is a great place to begin. Do they both love Mexican food? Or maybe Italian? Or even pizza. If so, they could go on a quest to find the best Mexican dive or Italian restaurant or pizzeria in their area. They could try a different place each date night and decide together which one ranks #1. Not only will they have taken an already shared interest – a type of food – and enjoyed it together, but they’ll have also found a way to turn it into an adventure that results in fun, shared memories.
Another, and perhaps even more meaningful, way is for one spouse to take an interest in something that other likes. Something that they might not be personally drawn to. When Ted and I got married I didn’t think I liked Thai or Indian food or sushi. Yet I decided to give them a chance because Ted enjoys them. They’re now three of my favorite cuisines. For Ted, he’s learned to love old movies and vacations at Disney World. Because Ted and I were both willing to step out of our comfort zones, we were able to cultivate more mutual interests. And I think it’s important for husbands and wives to be willing to do this, especially if they want to grow together and not apart.
4. You also talk about communication and disagreements. What are some communication “no-no’s” that couples often fall into?
For me, the biggest communication “no-no” I practiced was not communicating when we had disagreements. I hated conflict so much that I would outwardly pretend everything was okay, while I inwardly fumed. Which is a great way to foster bitterness and resentment. It took time for me to learn that conflict was not the enemy. That instead, it has become a means to strengthen and deepen my relationship with Ted. I’ve learned that there’s freedom and eventually joy in addressing conflict directly in a loving and respectful manner.
Additionally, I think how we frame concerns and complaints makes a big difference. When we come at our spouse with a “You did this and you need to change” approach, it puts our loved one on the defensive. Instead, when we choose to approach our spouse with patience and humility and be slow to form a judgment, we go a lot farther in not only helping them see where they may need to grow, but also in strengthening the long-term health of our marriage.
5. If there’s one thing a reader pulls away from the book, what do you hope that might be?
I hope readers walk away inspired to be intentional about daily growing together as a couple, and confident that the best is yet to come.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book in exchange for my review. The words and opinions are my own.
